Saying Goodbye
by Sweetandnasty27
Summary: He knows that Cas will come. He will come back to Dean and everything will be okay again. Or the one where Dean struggles with saying goodbye.


_The beginning_

They give him a proper hunter's funeral. Dean stands there, arms crossed and doesn't say anything, doesn't even let a tear slip.

* * *

 _A week since the beginning_

Cas isn't really gone. He's gone away before but he came back, it was no big deal. Dean knows he's going to come back, he's sure of it. Any second now and Cas will suddenly appear in the room, sauntering into the room and acting like appearing out of thin air is no big deal, which Dean will pretend to be annoyed at but will actually be relieved about.

Dean stares at the door, covered in some unknown substance (courtesy of a crappy motel room they were staying in while working on a case) waiting for Cas to appear.

Nothing happens.

Dean blinks, closes his eyes and decides to count to a hundred. When he opens his eyes, Cas is still not there.

Dean won't give up though. He knows that Cas will come. He will come back to Dean and everything will be okay again.

Days go by and Dean doesn't stop hoping. He goes on as if nothing's happened; complaining about the research Sam has them doing on the next big thing that's going to help them save the world yet again. He helps Sammy on hunts and if Sam tries to talk to him, using phrases like "incident" and saying stuff like "what happened", he cracks a joke and asks if Sam wants a beer. Sam rolls his eye as an answer but doesn't say anything else.

Good. Sam needs to know that there is nothing to talk about, there was no incident and everything is still fine.

* * *

 _Two weeks since the beginning_

Two weeks after the beginning, Dean starts his day as he has always done. He gets up on his side of the bed, puts his slippers on, wraps himself up in his robe and shuffles across the bunker to the kitchen.

He takes out two mugs of cups. Then he turns on the coffee machine. When the coffee machine is ready, he makes the coffees just the way both of them like it.

As he waits for Cas's coffee to be made, Dean takes a sip of his coffee and then he realizes that Cas is Cas is – no he won't say it.

At that moment, his hands are shaking so much that he drops the cup of coffee he was sipping from on the floor, careful to step away in the last second from the burning mess on the floor.

Sam apparently has heard what happened because within seconds, he runs into the kitchen, looks down at the coffee on the floor and then at Dean and says, "What happened?"

"I was making coffee for me and for Cas when I realized that Cas is- " Dean stopped abruptly, not wanting to go on.

"Go on, say it."

Dean turned to him and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Say what?"

Sam crossed his arms. "What you were going to say. Cas is _what_?"

Dan averted his gaze, "Nothing, it's nothing."

"Dean, you have to talk about this, you can't just keep _living_ like this." Sam gestured at the mess on the floor.

"There's nothing to talk about." Dean pushed past Sam; he had to get to his room before this conversation got out of hand. Sam tried to grab his arm but Dean pushed him off and walked up to his room as quickly as he could.

He walked out of the kitchen, leaving Sam to deal with the mess on the floor.

When he entered the room, he took the pillows off and threw the covers off of them. He then did the same thing to the bed sheeting and to the blanket. He bunched them up all together with all of his might and then threw them at the lamp, satisfied that the lamp had fallen and had cracked a bit. Good, at least something _else_ in this room was finally cracked.

He took the photo frame that had been standing on the nightstand, the one that he had refused to look at these past few weeks and threw it at the closet, hearing the glass crack, which yet again made him satisfied.

When he was happy about the chaos he had created, he left his room. He was going to find a bar and he wasn't going to come back until he drank so much that he wouldn't be able to remember any of his pain.

Hours later when he's decided that he's drunk enough to forget everything, Dean comes home. What he doesn't expect to find when he comes home is Sam sitting on the couch looking at him either judgingly or worryingly (Dean can't tell).

Dean mutters a hello and tries to get away before Sam can get his two pieces in but Sam, always the quick one butts in right away. He starts telling Dean how he can't keep living like this and that he needs to move on. He even dares to suggest that Dean may need to go to therapy.

Dean can't believe the shit he's hearing from his brother, no less. So he yells at Sam and tells him to fuck off.

As he's going up to his room, he's fuming with anger. Where does Sam get off saying that stuff, Sam doesn't know how he's feeling, he didn't know Cas like that. Sam has no right!

When he reaches his room, he remembers the mess he's left there in the morning and decides he can't go in there right now, maybe not ever.

He then wanders around the bunker aimlessly until he finds a couch in an abandoned room that doesn't remind him of Casand quickly falls asleep.

* * *

 _Four weeks since the beginning_

They're sitting in the bunker's library, Sam pondering over the books he's looking through, hoping to see a connection across the vics in the case they've started working on these past few days and Dean, pondering over, well, nothing.

Well, not nothing. He had been looking at the laptop and trying to help Sam find the missing pieces of their latest case by looking up info on the vics' friends and family. But that had been a few minutes before what he'd seen on the computer.

Sam finally decided to look up after a few minutes and when he did, he noticed his brother had been looking at the laptop computer, unblinking.

"I hope you didn't get a virus on there, what with your affinity for porn." Sam hoped that would elicit a response from his brother but alas, he got nothing.

"Dean, what are you looking at?" Sam questioned his brother and when he yet again did not get a response, he decided to get up and walk over to look at what was so interesting on Dean's laptop.

When he looked at the screen, suddenly all of it became clear.

"Holy shit, I'm sorry." Sam said gently, not knowing what else he could possibly say.

"It was in the news, Sam." Dean said flatly, clenching his fist.

"I can see that."

Dean glared at Sam, "Why the fuck was it in the news?"

Sam shrugged. "Well, we were in a big part of town when it happened. Plus they probably think it might get more people to read their news since they think it's controversial. "

"How the fuck is a drunk driver killing a human controversial?" Dean said and then added, "They're sick, Sammy. They're exploiting what happened to _him_."

Sam sighed, "I know that, Dean and I'm not saying that what they're doing is right but something like this was bound to happen, whether it be the news or another hunter we know. One way or another Dean, you have to face what happened."

"I know." Dean said quietly.

"What?" Sam said, surprised that his older brother was for once agreeing with him.

Dean rolled his eyes, and for the first time in ages, there was a hint of a smile forming on his face. "I said I know but I just wish-" Dean rubbed a hand over his face, he was jus too exhausted.

"What?" Sam urged on.

"I just wish he had more time-" Dean paused and then added, "This time around, he should have enjoyed being human, not taken by a stupid fucking accident."

"I don't know what to tell you Dean, the universe works in-" Sam didn't get to finish because Dean interrupted him.

"Let me stop you right, the universe does not work in mysterious ways." Then, Dean snorted.

"What?'

"I just, I uh remembered that I said something like that to him" Dean paused. "Oh man, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him off for saying something like that."

But within seconds, Dean's laugh turned into a grimace as he realized he probably would never see Cas's face again.

"You okay?" Sam asked.

"Yeah." Dean said, crossing his arms. "I just think that maybe if he hadn't gone to get us coffee, maybe he'd still be here."

"Dean, I'm sorry but there's nothing you can do."

"I know that but doesn't mean I can't hope or think over other scenarios in my head." Dean got up from the table and said, "Anyway as much as I have enjoyed this conversation, I want to go for a walk."

Judging by the concerned look Sam sent him, Dean rolled his eyes but said, "Don't worry, I have my cell on me, mom." Then he added, "And it wont be like last time, I promise I'm not going to the bar, just to walk."

Sam nodded, "Okay, Dean." and then went back to his research.

As he walked out of the bunker, he realized it was the first time he had been able to say out loud what had happened. He was finally feeling a bit better.

* * *

 _Six weeks since the beginning_

Dean had been driving from the local supermarket to the bunker. It had been a regular supply run and he had thought nothing of it when he had turned on the radio. He usually listened to his cassettes but for once he decided he would try to listen to the radio but he still kept the volume down.

At first he thought nothing of it. He didn't mind the radio. And truth be told, he kind of found himself singing along to some of the songs.

But then, _"I just don't wanna miss you tonight"_ blurted from the radio and Dean quickly switched to another station but of course that didn't help him.

He then heard, _"Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you. Love, you're not alone"_ coming from the radio and that hadn't really helped him.

Despite his revelation and talk with Sam a few weeks back, he was still not feeling a lot better and he didn't want to be reminded of it.

Trying a third time, he ended up with a band singing about an angel with a shotgun. That was the final straw and from then on, Dean swore that he would only listen to music on his cassettes.

After putting the groceries in the fridge, Dean sauntered took out a whiskey bottle and went into an abandoned room. He sat down on the floor and started to drink.

A few hours later and half of the bottle was gone, the liquid sloshing in the bottle as Dean was trying to hold it upright but failing miserably.

He had been doing so well and then those songs, he just had to hear those _fucking songs_. He missed Cas so much, he missed his smell and his laugh; mostly he just missed the constant presence of him. Some days, he would see or hear something and he would want to talk to Cas about it but then he would remember that he couldn't.

It was just his luck that Sam found him at that moment.

"Why'd he have to go and leave me, Sam?" Dean said, wiping at his tears, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

Sam came into the room and sat down on the floor next to Dean, carefully taking the bottle from Dean's hands and setting it aside. "He didn't, he didn't leave you, Dean. I know it's not fair but what happened wasn't your fault and there's not much you can do."

Then Sam looked up, suddenly very alert, "You weren't going to do _anything_ right?"

Even in his drunken state, Dean knew what Sam was getting at.

Dean wiped at the wetness on his face again, he needed the tears to stop. "Demon deals, what do you take me for? I'm not messing with that shit again."

Truth to be told, the idea had occurred to him but within seconds, it went out of his thoughts. Cas had saved from hell and Dean wasn't going to go back there just so that he can have a few years with Cas again; he wasn't going to do that to Cas.

"Okay, I was just making sure. Last time, that shit didn't really work out so well for us."

Dean snorted, "You don't have to remind me."

Sam smiled back and then they sat next to each other not saying anything. Dean was glad that Sam didn't want to talk about it and that he just sat next to him.

After a while, Sam got up and said he was going to watch T.V. and told Dean to call him if he needed something. Dean nodded and then said bye to his brother.

Dean stayed in the abandoned room for a while after his brother had left, trying to collect his thoughts.

When he got back to his room, he got the trench coat out of the closet. Then he hugged it to his chest and cried.

* * *

 _Eight weeks since the beginni_ ng

It hit him out of nowhere. He had been washing Baby when it hit him. He finished washing his car and then went back into the bunker.

"He's not coming back, is he?" Dean said as he walked in, kicking his boots off.

Sam looked up from the book he had been reading and said, "No, Dean, he's not."

"I was so stupid, I had really been hoping that he'd come back."

"Dean, you're not stupid, I mean he was your partner- "

Dean pulled a face that and butted in, "Please don't refer to me and Cas in that way ever again."

Sam closed his book and laid it on the couch next to him, "But you guys were partners. And look I don't want you to be mad but I've been reading up on how to deal after your partner dies cuz well, I wanted to try to help you and I found that you've actually been going through the stages just as they're described."

"I know." Dean said.

Whatever that was was not the answer Sam had been expecting. "You know?"

"Yeah, I found your book, next time try not to fall asleep on a copy of ' _On Grief & Grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss'._"

Sam rolled his eyes but said, "Okay, I kind of deserved that."

After a few minutes of silence, Dean spoke up and said, "I want to give him a proper funeral, not a hunter's one."

"But Dean, we burned his body, we can't –"

"I know that but I still have his ashes and I thought maybe, we could bury the box with them."

Sam nodded, "Okay, Dean. Oh and before I forget, I got something for you." Then he got up and went to get something from his room.

When he came back, he thrust a photo frame into Dean's hand. "I uh couldn't fix the other one. But I got you a new frame."

"You're the one who cleaned my room?"

"No, it was the magic fairy, didn't you know we have one living with us now."

Dean rolled his eyes at his annoying little brother.

"Thanks, Sammy." Dean said as he ran his fingers along the frame, "I remember that day, you know."

"Yeah?" Sam scratched the back of his head. "You guys looked really happy."

"We were, Sammy, we were- " Dean sighed, "We were so happy and then all of that shit had to happen."

"Stupid bastard died from a human accident." Dean added on, "Couldn't even die the normal hunter way."

Sam snorted. "Dean, if it's any consolation, you'll see him."

Dean shrugs, "I dunno about that, he was too kind for his own good and I know he ended up there but I might not be going the same place he went."

"Dean, are you fucking kidding me? After all of you've done, you'll be in heaven, I'm sure of it." Sam said. "Plus, it helps that your partner was an ex-angel."

Dean laughed. "Thanks, man. I know you'll be up there with us too."

Sam smiled back.

At the end of the day, Sam helped Dean bury the box with Cas's ashes and then Dean placed the trench coat next to it. Afterwards, Sam stepped aside and let Dean say goodbye privately.

Hours later after they had buried everything that remained of Cas, Dean's sitting in his bed, holding the new photo frame Sam had given him.

"I miss you." Dean said smiling sadly as he stared down at the photo of Cas hugging him from behind at the beach. "But I know that you'll always be here even if I cant see you and when it's time, I'll see you again." Dean kissed Cas on the photo and then placed the frame down on the nightstand.

He laid down, bunched up his blanket around him and turned off the light.

Tomorrow was going to be a new day.

" _You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."_

 _\- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, "On Grief & Grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss."_

* * *

A/N:

Okay so firstly, this was set in the future after everything (the darkness, Amara, Crowley, etc) is taken care of and they still work on cases but not as much. One day on a case, Cas goes out to get them coffee and gets hit by a drunk driver and dies and the rest of the story is about how Dean deals with it.

Also, before any of you point out the fact that they didn't burn the coat and that could cause problems as Cas could come back as a vengeful spirit, I purposely made it that way because I don't think that Cas would have any vengefulness. I don't think he would go on to haunt on others because he lived a happy, good life and had no reason to seek out revenge.


End file.
